I’m the worst friend ever…. I’ve been so self abosorbed in my life lately…. All I do in wallow in my own self pity….. OH poor Orchid all her friends are married and she’s not even dating anyone… Wow does that not sound absolutely pitiful… I even forgot my bestfriend’s birthdays… Tiffani’s 21st birthday and I forgot Lindsay’s 22nd birthday…. I forgot my Dad’s birthday earlier this year in January ( January 5th) … and I forgot Katie’s 23rd birthday January 28th….
I have been so selfish because of my stupid little feelings…. I barely call my friends anymore…
I don’t hang out with anyone and constantly only worry about MY grades, and MY feelings, and MY health…. I’ve been so SELFISH and SELF ABSORBED…
To all those who feel like I have forgotten about them I promise I haven’t I promise I’m just trying to get over a very very hard virus… ya know…. The virus: Selfishness! Hm….. funny funny….
Why would anyone want to date someone who was so wrapped up in her own self pity she forgot her best friends birthdays? I’ve become a bitter spinster and all I am worried about is what the world will think of me being almost 22 and not even in a relationship that’s heading in the path of marriage or even seriousness at all… Everytime I go to a party with all my married friends or engaged friends all they do is say how they have to get me married and how is the dating thing coming along, are you dating anyone? Why aren’t you married… that’s my favorite question since I have SOOO much control over it…. Honestly do you really think I know why I’m not married? I just feel like in the culture of the church it is so relevant for me to be married at this time and to be having children which is not something that I don’t want, but it’s something that hasn’t come yet in my life. I just haven’t found the boy…. Or the boy hasn’t found me either way it hasn’t happened….. and honestly with the plan of salvation one of the reasons we’re here and really of the MOST important reasons is to find our eternal companion and great a life together to bring children into this world and raise them righteously and honestly I have such a GREAT desire for that, but I can’t force it… I can’t just say I want it now and get it now…. Things like this happen on the Lord’s time but in the mean time I wish I wasn’t so selfish….
I know this entry is a wah wah wah entry but I almost feel like I don’t know who to talk to…. I’m afraid to say this to anyone’s face so I’m just going to write it out to the world as if it’s a void that won’t reply because I don’t want pity hugs or pity things said to me like, “ oh you’ll find him one day” or “ you’re beautiful, I don’t understand” or “it’s coming soon, I can feel it” …. I need to focus on others more… I’m too into myself…. It’s 2:32 in the morning and I’m not asleep…. I probably should go to bed soon…. Sweet dreams.... Goodnight void…. Goodnight world….
4 comments:
Orchid,
I miss you. I don't care about my birthday, so it doesn't matter that you didn't call or anything. No worries. We just need to do something fun together. I think that everyone catches the "selfish" virus here and there, but you were just brave enough to be honest and write about it on your blog. Most people only post when life is all cheery and going their way, where it hardly seems like real life ya know? Anyway, sorry for the novel-of-a-comment. Love you dearly!
"but I can’t force it… I can’t just say I want it now and get it now…"
That is so true. I was trying to force it for 2 years. Then I moved in with Katie and we said that we were just going to have fun and not worry about dating (it's true you can ask her). Then two months went by and I met Ryan, or as you like to call him 'Brother Bell.' :) It's tough when things don't go your way. I'll give you some unsolicited advice...take it or leave it. Maybe just do what you do best and care about the people around you and serve them and 'Mr. Right' will come along when you least expect it. You are such an awesome girl and you sincerely care about everyone you come in contact with. Just make yourself busy with that and you'll be just fine!! And good for you for making this post. I echo what Katie said about only posting when life is cheery. You rock!!
-Sorry, my comment is two novels long.
Love ya,
Abby
Orchid you are not self-absorbed at all!! you are always thinking of others and doing kind things!! i Love talking to you and you always cheer me up!! love ya girl!
Orchid,
I don't think you're selfish. I miss you and love you! Being the I-team leader or whatever it's called, and going to school and having a calling and having a million friends and working out a lot and...everything else you do that I look up to... makes you busy! yet you still have time to make your friends feel important :)
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